I'm addicted to the hoodrats

The girls I knew had sad and sullen grey faces - Lush Life

My greatest fear is a job

Deer gang bangin'

I was running the other day, and I saw three deers up ahead. They stopped and stared. At first I was like aw this is why nature and shit is so dope! I even turned down my Ghostface on my ipod. Then it all turned ugly folks. One of the deers made as if to run towards me. He tots punked my ass because I flinched and then he just stood there like O Dog in Menace II Society and sneered. He was like "Where's my cheeseburger byotch!" And then I was like Ghost on acid and was like yo' son I think I saw Captain Kirk. Anyway these three fuckers stalked me for the whole 2 mile run. They ran alongside me for a bit, and then they would disappear when another jogger would come by, and then come back! I was like am I on shrooms? It was totally fucking with my mind. I haven't been the same since.

ps in case the earlier statement wherein I allude to being momentarily afraid of said deer. please note that Anne from New Jersey once told me when we were working the 4 - 12 shift at ABC in New York that a woman on the turnpike hit a deer and it got caught in her windshield and the fucking deer kicked the woman to death while trying to free itself from the windshield. I'm just sayin'

I've spent whole countries on a woman's youth

Black Girl (1966)

Sometimes I'm corny

but goddamn this song is catchy!

If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you, son

I can't compete

It's gone away for good

Lay your head on my pillow

It has been calculated that if your pillow is six years old (which is the average age for a pillow), one-tenth of its weight will be made up of sloughed skin, living and dead mites, and mite dung. Nasty. I remember once when moving a friend (Tahira!) was like oh don't forget you're body pillow. I was like what?! This is not a body pillow. I don't do this at night,



with my non-body pillow! Seriously she was totally overreacting it was not a body pillow but the extra deluxe california king size pillow. I would neeever have a body pillow, unless it looked like Tony Leung, or perhaps a marinated medium done steak.


ps I do not have a body pillow Tahira!!

Maitresse

When I get your age I want people to think I'm part of a secret lesbian cabal and have an s&m dungeon under my desk too. ...It was a weird day...I suppose.

She lives in my lap

How to Stop Your Dog From Humping

1. Step 1

   Yell "NO!," clap your hands, or make other sudden, loud noises when you catch your dog humping. Some people suggest using air horns or other really piercing noise-makers, but that's a bad idea. You don't want to make your dog deaf.

2. Step 2 Ask your vet to give your male dog an injection of female hormones and see if that helps.

3. Step 3
   

   Exercise care if your male dog seems to have somewhat feminine physical characteristics, such as extra weight and hard-to-notice genitals. Other dogs might mistake him for a female. The best thing you can do in this case is to train your dog to sit on command. That way the amorous males won't find anything they can penetrate.

Step 4 - What the hell! I have a hermaphrodite dog that is on 'roids that is possibly deaf and in danger of being raped. This is the worst advice ever. Like ever!

I Chew Fruit!

Dear Street Fruit,
It kind of sucks that you have 100% more followers on your blog than I do. The above picture captures how I feel, except with fruit and not vegetables. Ah ha ha ha ha.

Yours truly,

Please Don't Let Be Misunderstood

ah ha ha ha ha

ha

ha

I've been thinking 'bout those things you said - Cat Power

The only people for me are the mad ones - Jack Kerouac

The Chosen Few Motorcycle Club, 1959

Lions, and tigers, and druglords, oh my!

There's so much going on in this video that my brain kind of exploded. I originally clicked on the video because I'm like hmm that woman is awfully close to that lion. But oh man it got so much worse. She like makes out with the lion. She also talks about a stoner tiger that ate too much cocaine, giving mouth to mouth to a monkey that had a heart attack (the shot of it being buried was kind of excruciatingly long too), and then the one armed wildcat. And then I'm like why do they have Pablo Escobar dressed like he's in an old time Mexican saloon. Total mindfuck dude.

Well I know I make you cry. And I know sometimes you wanna die. But do you really feel alive without me?

outside of popeye's eatin' chicken and fries!

Wake up...

I must get up in the morning